folks,
i'd like to sing a song about the american dream, about me, about you, about the way our american hearts beat way down in our chests, way down in the cockles of our hearts, or maybe in the subcockle area, maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know. i'm just a regular joe, with a regular job, i'm your average white, suburbinite slob, i like football and porno, and books about war, i got an average house, with a nice hardwood floor. my wife and my job, my kids and my car, my feet on my table and a cuban cigar. well sometimes that just, aint' enough to keep a man like me interrested, uh-uh, no way, i gotta go out and have fun, at someone else's expense, yeah yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, i drive really slow, in the ultra fast lane, while people behind me are going insane. i'm an asshole.(he's an asshole) i'm an asshole (buddy oh buddy oh) i use public toilets and piss on the seat, i walk around on the summer time saying "how about this heat?" i'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) i'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole) sometimes i park, in handicapped spaces, while handicapped people, make handicapped faces, i'm an asshole (he's an asshole) i'm an asshole (a real fucking asshole) (maybe i shouldnl't be singing this song, ranting and raving and carrying on, maybe they're right when they tell me i'm wrong) ....NAH!! i'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole) you know what i'm gonna do? i'm gonna get myself a 1967 cadalac el dorado convertable, HOT PINK with whale skin hubcaps, with all leather cow interrior, and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! and i'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour, getting one mile per gallon, while sucking down quarter pounder cheeseburgers from mcdonalds in the old fashion styrofoam containers, when i'm done, i'm going to whipe my mouth with the american flag, and toss the styrofoam containers right out he side, and there's not a goddamned thing anyone could do about it, why? because we've got the bombs, ok? two words "nuclear fuckin weapons" ok? russia, germany, romania, they can have all the democracy they want, they can have a big democracy cake walk right through tiyinimon square, and it's not gonna make a lick of difference because we've got the bombs okay? john wayne's not dead. he's frozen, and as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we're going to thawl out the duke, and he's gonna be pretty pissed off, ya know why? you ever take a cold shower? multiply that by 15,000,000 times, and that's how pissed off the duke's gonna be. i'm gonna get hte duke, and john gasobedie, and lee marvin, and sam beckonwald, and a case of whiskey, and drive down to texax (hey hey hey! you know you really are an asshole?) why don't you just shut up and sing the song pal. I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) i'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole) a-s-s-h-o-l-e. EVERYBODY! A-S-S-H-0-L-E!!
i'm an asshole, and i'm proud of it
<<Denis Leary>>
The Truth in the Matter
