many of you have sent me notes asking why i don't believe in a greater power, or a greater evil.

1. heaven-a reward for being perfect, if there truely is a higher power then it is not an inatimate object. meaning that it would have to understand that perfection is the one true flaw.

2-hell-a place for the wicked. eternal damnation. now let's look at that word shall we? "eternal". it means forever. no end. unrelenting. there is absolutely NOTHING that any one person could do that would sentance them to eternal damnation. and your higher power...he is non-forgiving? i actually red up on the circles of hell. the sin and the punishment. did you know that if you were to comit suicide you'd be sentanced to be ripped at, and flogged. don't you think...that if you were to kill yourself, that your god doesn't understand that you're obviously going through shit. and if he sentences you to eternal damnation for wanting to get rid of your problems...well that's just plain stupidity.

3-thou shall not kill-more people die in the name of god then anything else

4-jesus-do you really think that your all-mighty power would really pick his son to be a carpenter? i mean really...don't you think that he might have given him something a little more glamorous then to build stuff, getting sweaty and nasty stuff like that?

5-comandments-i've never heard a more padded, fluffed out list of bullshit in my entire life.

6-sodomy-one more of the "unforgiveable" whatsamahoozets....have you forgotten the whole catholic preist thing?

7-the damnation of homosexuals- now if homosexuality is wrong...why is it there?

8-satanists-alright...people that "worship satan" say that there is no god...well if there is no god then how is there supposed to be a satan?

9-silence-back...oh say about 2000 years ago or so. god was talking to people left and right. where is he now? and why are the ones that hear voices condemned?

10-the death of the christ-jesus of nazareth was tacked up on a cross for how long? and it took a spear to finally finish him off? come on. the son of god dying from a stab wound? what the hell is that?

alright...my 10 top reasons why i dont' believe in your god

yeah. i figured out why so many people don't like me

1. i have my own ideas
2. i'm a visionairy
3. i'm ahead of my time (by about 6 minutes)
4. i don't support america
5. i dream of revolution
6. i question reality
7. i question the fact that people believe in an invisable man in the sky
8. i don't believe in a "god"
9. i don't like people
10. i like boys

take your pick.

got the idea from donnie darko. there's the whole big thing in the movie about seperating situations between fear and love. but when you think about it...you can't have love without fear, and pain, and suffering.

i forget where i heard it but the quote goes "if you truely love something you have to let it go, if it returns then you know the love was true"

nothing has returned to me.

so how do i know if i truely love anything? how do i know that what i thought i loved wasn't just a passing thought?

how do i know what love is?

when will i know when i find it?

i told you people this once before. and i didn't hold true to it. about giving up on love. and i think that it would be a good decision to quit now. because the fat guy never has a girlfriend. the geek never gets the girl. so i might as well just shut up and become one of the nameless victims of the ever supressing media.

i don't understand how people can just be so fucking stupid as to not look past outer appearances. seriously...i'm not a bad person...am i? i really try to be nice. and i'm tired of it...i'm going to start being mean to people. i mean i have to match my outer apperance right? i have to be a lonely bastard that's always mean to people. and i have to shut everybody out.

good bye love

yeah i hate it.

halmark holiday.

and i don't have the kind of money to keep throwing out towards candy and flowers.

the gods are mad at me or something. aperently i can't be happy. i'm always alone on these kinds of holidays.

on a slightly grimmer note...

i got hit by a car last night. yeah i'm fine. but this just goes to harden the fact that i cannot die. i was walking down the street cause i needed a cigarette...and i'm turning the corner and the next thing i know i'm laid out on the hood of a car. i went to the er and the doctors couldn't find anything wrong. and i'm in school today. because my parents are relentless. but still. i'm alright. i dont' feel bad. but yeah.

[link] <<laptop of choice at the moment...

grr...i think i should document this. i have a hospital record. and the school sees that i'm in today so yeah this is just another good part for me when june rolls around. parents don't know what's going on so yeah :evillaugH: they're going to act as normal. but come june...i think my chances of earning my freedom are pretty great.

sorry i didn't update earlier.

even though i'm never happy on valentine's i hope that everybody's is going alright.

take care guys

anybody that goes to r.v. knows what the lunchroom looks like. right. so you know that there's anywhere from 15 to 20 chairs at a table. and there are empty tables all around. but when people in the lunch block before you move the chairs around. you get up and grab chairs from another table. no big deal right? not to some people.

so there's like 11 people that sit at the second table i sit at (i jugle between the two) and there was only like...4 chairs there...so we grabbed a few from another table. but there's these three girls that sit at the table we took chairs from. we took 3 chairs. from 20...and oh my god. the sparks fly. jesus fucking fuck. they're so stupid

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anyway.

it's amusing how stupid people can be. i mean...the three girls that got pissed off brought over like 12 other guys. and they're like trying to intimidate us. but well...the majority of the people at my table are either bi or gay. so one of these guys...handed one of the guys that was near attacking us a little candy heart saying "spread the love" and he's like "are you a faggot" and he's like (all pompus and proper) "well..i am bisexual" and every single one of the "attackers" got up and basically bolted to the other side of the room. fun shit

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i need money. i need to buy film. and paper.

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being single isn't that bad. i mean...not as bad as it was the last time. i know i'll be hating it in a couple weeks but... what are ya gonna do? well...actually there is this one girl that i kinda like... i think she knows...but yeah...i'm probably going to like hint on it... aaaaaaaaagh. this is going to drag on

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i think that's it...yeah...tha'ts it for now...i will write tomorrow